Reflection 535

Welcome!

Capacity for the self

I first experienced headlessness in the summer of 1991. I was 24 at the time and had been studying different spiritual paths intensely. I was actually reading a book called 20th Century Mystics and Sages which had some of Douglas' experiments in it. I tried one after a hard day at work. I was sitting by the river and started to pay attention to my face and it happened. I fully recognized that I was awareness itself. It was now all so obvious. Awareness itself has never had a head. This body has, but awareness hasn't. It has always been empty awareness. That's what I have always been. I think I had some kind of samadhi and I went in and out of that blissful state for up to 6 months. After that I could never recapture that intensity again. Something just clicked the first time and I could focus completely on my facelessness. I could effortlessly observe all of my thoughts, feelings, sensations, perceptions, etc, while knowing that I was the space in which all of those events occured. There was no separation between the objects of consciousness and the subjective awareness within which they all existed. I identified with the space rather than the objects within the space, yet the space was the objects. The only way I could define myself - the space that I now was - was by the objects within that space. You know what I mean. After 6 months that was all gone and I've chased after it ever since. Almost 20 years now.

I was watching you [Richard Lang] the other day on Conscious TV. I loved the interview. I thoroughly enjoyed your lucid and humble descriptions of being headless. Especially when you got on the topic of allowing a self to be there. Although, when I was headless, it was obviously fine that all that I considered to be my self was allowed to be there, but as time went on I started to wonder why my self wasn't dissappearing and this selflessness wasn't taking over more completely. After watching your interviews I think I see where I went wrong all those years ago. I believed the spiritual and erroneous concept that the self shouldn't be there. Your description of allowing the self to be there while still being aware of what's on top of my shoulders brought back glimpses of that intimate spacious wholeness. I also liked your comments on the "wow" factor. I see where I went wrong. Hey, I was young and the glamour of romanticised spiritual experiences impressed me. So, I'm slowly getting back to paying attention to my no-head. I love it actually. Bruce