Reflection 606

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The Only Way To See The World

The weeks following the first time the seeing happened to me, it was still a "Now you see it, now you don't" thing. Sometimes I got it and I would try to hang on to it, and it would fade. One day, when I was trying very hard to go back to that place (no-place) where I once had been, all of a sudden, and out of the blue, a long-forgotten memory came to my mind:

When I was somewhere in my teens, and very keen on building myself a face, I thought I had to contrive a style, a trademark, a personality, something that would set me apart from the crowd and make me feel somehow different and special, of course. One day, I was busying myself with that urgent and most momentous task, when the idea occurred to me that if I were to create all those attributes, I'd better find out to whom those attributes were to belong. Where is me? What is it, after all? I then felt the need of finding this thing, not as an abstract idea, but as something I could put my finger on, as if I needed a peg on which to hang all those trappings I was about to manufacture. I sort of went inside, looking for it, but it was nowhere to be found. There was nothing of which I could say "this is me, here is where I am". As a matter of fact, there was nothing at all. All I found was an abysmal emptiness. And I panicked. Instead of relaxing in that void, I totally freaked out, so much that I simply erased that experience from my mind, repressed it, obliterated it as if it had never happened.

That day it all came back to me, in one solid block. And that was the moment when the seeing became steady, and I've never lost it ever since. Now there is no other way of looking at the world, it has become natural. After all, it all boils down to personal, empirical experience, doesn't it? P.Z.