Reflection 581

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Seeing and Relationships

For me I am aware of two selves. The little one who struggles, soars, breezes, stumbles through his relationship with K. Quite often being dragged screaming and kicking! The early days were quite frightening. Emotions were a strange commodity and I was fearful of them. I think in those days the little me would have preferred to run away from them. Somewhere along the road I started "seeing". The big me awakened. Two things happened. Firstly I began to trust the void, the stillness, that thing that is closer to me than my breath. It makes me feel totally safe, in the sense that whatever comes, 'good' or 'bad', it is okay. I stopped worrying about what was going to happen and started to 'be' what was happening. I stopped being frightened and began to flow with it.

The second thing that came was that I swapped heads with K. Amazing! It totally changed the way I looked at her!! I suddenly had capacity for her, for what she was saying, for what she was feeling. Suddenly it wasn't a battle, with two sides camped opposite. There was/is only one being, with one head and two bodies.

The little me still has his moments fighting away in his own corner - some well-engrained habits seem hard to change. But the 'seeing' side of me seems to be more present more of the time. It is a great joy. As my relationship with K grows deeper and more rewarding, there is a feeling of stillness and great stability that comes from trusting in the process.

I have also been using seeing in my relationships with my three children. Now there's a challenge!! Some days it is so wonderfully natural and effective yet on others it seems to be the hardest thing in the world. However I have found that being headless, being capacity for them especially in times of conflict has been the best course of action. It is hard. There often seems to be no rhyme or reason to the outburst yet being there for them, open, wearing their heads, creates the space and calm for a dialogue even with the very youngest. And, as with grown ups, headlessness has this total loving quality to it. An unconditional love. I am total capacity for you. Warts and all. A.L.